The Chemistry of Girls
Definition: Girls are a polymeric, allotropic class of substance.
History : The first girl was discovered in a garden under a leaf, the same
year apples were discovered. Like the man who first made arsine, the discoverer
forfeited his life.
OccuiiiiENCE: Free, and in combination with men.
Physical Properties: Like crystals, girls may be distinguished from one
another by their color, odor, density and form. They have the power of changing
their form and color. Once or twice in a life-time you run across one altogether
different from all the rest, though observers do not seem always to be able to see
the great difference you observe so easily.
"Sugar and spice.
And everything nice;
That's what little girls are made of."
The foregoing is not chemically true. Neither is it true that they are made
up (though many are), made up, I say, altogether of dust. On the contrary,
water forms seventy-five per cent, of their composition. Just think of it! Seven¬
ty-five per cent, water, plus dust, equals girls! Can it be that these lovely crea¬
tures, with the funny hats and the high-heeled oxfords, are, after all, only so many
solidified puddles, so to speak, as it were? Perish the thought.
Truly there is more to girls than just water and dust. After years of study
and experiment, I have succeeded in isolating the following elements, which are
quite constant in their occurrence in these wonderful bodies: Laughs, cries, smiles,
frowns, loves, hates, dates, kisses, deceit and sweetness.
I cannot give the technique employed to reveal all the foregoing elements.
However, I will take the time and give in detail the procedure for obtaining
Experiment : The partial absence of light is desirable. Choose a girl whose
nose turns up. This is important; you do not want a nose in your way just at the
critical moment. Place said girl on a divan and get thereon yourself. Apply hot
air. Snuggle. And kisses will begin to ooze to her lips, from where they may be
The author does not claim that the foregoing is the only method of obtaining
kisses; not at all. There are many others. The one just described, however, is
the one most efficient. In case of failure to obtain kisses it is invariably due either